Barbara Blaine, right, v Pam Spees native the facility for constitutional Rights, at a press conference in Rome, in 2011 (Courtesy of Peter Isely)

"Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo." — Virgil

This quote in Latin is not a Catholic one. That is indigenous Virgil, the great very first century roman poet. It have the right to be translated in various ways, most literally, "If ns cannot direction the exceptional powers, then i shall move the flow Acheron," and much more commonly, "If i cannot bend the heavens, then i shall relocate the strength of hell."

This is the epitaph ns would provide to my generous, an overwhelming and "mad" friend of over 25 years, Barbara Blaine, whose sudden fatality Sept. 24 i am still finding incomprehensible. I ar Virgil"s defiance, talked by the goddess Juno, an unlimited distance indigenous Archbishop Wilton Gregory"s quote in The brand-new York times obituary for Barbara: "May God have actually mercy on her soul."

Sigmund Freud famously placed Virgil"s quote top top the title web page of his masterwork, The Interpretations that Dreams. That is the motto for any type of radical change. The points to the need for disturbing and also interrupting the unexpressed, underground structure of our daily life. Of all creates of violence, the one through the most catastrophic aftermath is not an individual or interpersonal however "systematic": the kind of violence imposed by the fluid, seemingly organic functioning of our economic, politics and spiritual systems.

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It"s one point to try to readjust the composed laws, complicated as the is (as Barbara knew really intimately from years of make the efforts to push for reforms in sexual abuse statutes), but real change only erupts once the unwritten regulations of a mechanism are disturbed. It to be Freud who, with his clinical job-related on the unconscious, well-known that what bonds and also binds individuals to a device are that is secret, half-spoken, shadowy rules. What really cements team loyalty and also submission is no the open covenant on which legislations to keep however the "somehow always already known" ones the everyone secretly agrees to break.

Many people didn"t see or feeling the price Barbara payment for her love the justice.

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My favored translate in of Virgil"s saying is, "If you cannot move the top regions, dare to move the underground." to be this no Barbara"s supreme wager and also ethical act? If you cannot move the upper areas of the Catholic Church, that pope and hierarchy, then dare to relocate the secret of its child sexual abuse survivors. Produce a path for the upsurge from within its actually existing hell, not the one of theological fables, but the real one where across the centuries the body of numerous thousands of youngsters have been sexually violated and also dumped right into the an excellent black feet of institutional Catholicism to suffer and also disappear. Carry these story from hell come the surface, raise them up, speak to them: shower the underground.

Gregory and also his other bishops had actually a many of challenge with Barbara. Mine was no theirs. I shared in her madness, also when i didn"t want to. And also by "madness" I average what the ancient Greek poet Aeschylus meant: "One should love come the allude of seeming madness." Barbara"s madness was the insanity of a love because that justice. What else, yet a type of foolish love for the impossible would drive her to spend years battling the Catholic Church to carry justice for survivors of childhood sexual assault, to bending the clerical upper areas and readjust what is maybe the single most unchangeable thing on earth?

Barbara, in ours friendship, ‎could be rather difficult, unyielding and intransigent while extraordinarily kind, gentle and also vulnerable, inextricably, sometimes in the very same moment. Her post was frequently simple. She was not. She was complex and compound. This had nothing to do, really, with an individual strengths or failings. The was she madness. What to be uncompromising, inspiring and also irritating around that madness to be the desire which animated it.

Often, I simply couldn"t save up. Hair was purer than mine, stronger. Once she to be asked end the years, as plenty of of us room in our peculiar "work" with clergy sex abuse, "How carry out you possibly keep going in ~ this?" her reply was quick: "We must." Mine, slower, much much more ambivalent: "I don"t know." where Barbara"s very first instinct to be to always rush right into battle, mine is to draw back. That"s the an obstacle she had with me. Yet Barbara had an obstacle with herself, as well. Don"t all survivors? as soon as to speak up and when to it is in silent? once to press harder and when come let things go? once to live a "normal" life and also when to charge oneself right into the whirlwind of trauma, courtroom and media battles?

Many world didn"t view or feeling the price Barbara paid for she love the justice. Yes, there to be the victories, the moments of praise, the deep satisfaction in make a difference; but there were likewise sleepless nights, the toll on the soul and also the body, the sacrifice the family and also privacy, the deep hurt once dismissed, criticize or attacked.

Baptized a second time

It"s no an exaggeration to say that Barbara to be the woman the Catholic power structure feared the most, much more so than even their mother and, respectfully, the Blessed Virgin who, uneven Barbara, never ever seems to ethically require an extremely much that them.

The hierarchy"s difficulty, v Barbara"s desire for justice as its cause, is the their endless cover-ups the pedophilia scandals and sex crimes room not simply to "save their reputation," other they have actually been more than willing to sacrifice. In defending itself, the church has constantly been defending its innermost, obscene secret secret. Isn"t identifying oneself through this an enig underside still no a an essential component the the really identity of a priest? us all know if a monk seriously (not just rhetorically through pastoral clichés sent from headquarters) denounces this crimes and also cover-ups, he thereby excludes himself from the ecclesiastical community, the is no longer "one of us."

It is not just that the church go not completely participate in the examination of criminal cases and also is an accomplice after the fact. The church as such, together an institution, needs to be investigated globally with regard to the way it systematically creates and recreates the problems for such crimes. That is only start to happen in full earnest in countries like Australia v its multi-year government commission ~ above institutional boy abuse, but likewise globally in ~ the united Nations, whereby the Vatican has lastly been dubbed to provide an account the itself before two significant international commissions.

Barbara"s last text to me, a couple of days before her death, and out of the blue together always, was asking if I would speak in ~ a conference the survivors in Warsaw, Poland, because that which she was helping to conference presenters. There were no national or religious boundaries for Barbara when it involved survivors, no s or mountain range that created impenetrable obstacles. Each survivor had a voice, a story, wherever they come from, everything their language, everything their age, whatever their sexual orientation. She was figured out that every be heard. She to be impatient with interpreters and also protocols. We were all citizens survivors, witnesses and also bearers that a precious and priceless testimony that might protect and also save children.

When I very first met the then reasonably unknown Cardinal Timothy Dolan, who was plot his churchly rise after his brand-new appointment as Archbishop the Milwaukee in 2002, Barbara and the Survivors Network that those Abused through Priests, or SNAP, were lengthy on the Vatican"s "enemies list." SNAP, the brand-new York cardinal wrote to Pope Benedict XVI, knows just how to organize and they"re a genuine a difficulty for us. Indeed, we had actually organized a public and unforgettable hear session with Dolan, church and also local officials through survivors in downtown Milwaukee, what would certainly be the only among its kind, because they were absolutely never going to agree to the again. Numerous survivors attended and testified. That was extended nationally. Barbara come from Chicago to assistance us. One of my favorite photos of her, which was on the front web page of The new York times the next day, was of the back of Barbara"s reddish blond hair asking Dolan a question.

I request Dolan during our first encounter months before that: "What day carry out you think is the worst job in a survivor"s life?" that leaned, or rather, lunged front in his chair, placed his elbows on his knees and also scrunched his face. The waited, as a an excellent politician, because that me to offer him the answer. "The day we were baptized," ns said: "Unknown to united state that work sealed our fate."

Like so numerous survivors of childhood sexual assault by clergy, however, my an initial encounter with Barbara, unknown come me, was another kind of baptism. The first, together an infant with my parents and also family, was right into the main church; the 2nd was right into a foolish love because that justice, through Barbara and also my other survivors.

Fate is unavoidable, or the principle makes no sense. But, paradoxically, us can choose our fate, which quantities to choosing what challenge we want in life. We can, as it were, step back up to the table, or baptismal fountain, and roll the dice again right into the insanity of a fighting and also egalitarian community of justice. For me, that community, mine "church," belongs come my fellow survivors and anyone and everyone that joins us to stop the next attack of a child. With this baptism comes no assures or dogmatic safety and security nets, no desires of eternal life, no mythical justice past the grave, nothing come compensate or soften the difficult edge of the injustices emerging right here, right now.

Treasuring time together

Barbara, it seems to me, had actually a great life. The was not all struggle and conflict. Luckily, end the past year, I"ve gotten to spend an ext quiet and also unhurried time v her than all the previous 25 years. Ns was surprised how small I in reality knew her. We hosted several unforgettable survivor gatherings with brand-new York SNAP leader Megan Peterson in Philadelphia and St. Paul.

And ns was fortunate to it is in invited through her to invest over a week in Germany, in ~ a conference held by German survivors and the German Parliament. During that week, we spent numerous long job together. We observed the astounding city the Berlin together, talked for hours about our families and also lives, and also shared memory of triumph and also defeat. We had much in common, both us raised in devout Catholic homes, both having seven brothers and also sisters, and also both of us twins. During our work together, we visited the Jewish Museum the Berlin, the Topology of Terror, the archival home for the papers of the third Reich, excavated ~ above the previous headquarters of the Gestapo and mystery police, and the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Every one of these were unforgettable, indelible.

But what i treasure many was our final evening. Barbara insisted we spend it in ~ the open up air Christmas Mart outside the opera house, a splendid setting. We ate delicious food, the ideal bratwurst I"ve ever had, i m sorry is speak something coming from Wisconsin, spiced wine and hot chocolate. We chatted and sang songs with people and families indigenous every edge of the globe.

Survivors are not a team. We are those there is no a team. Any kind of true social readjust in the church and society to stop clerical sexual abuse needs to originate v us.Barbara knew that.

Her choice, her legacy

The crucible of Barbara"s life and also mission to be forged in the pure worst her church had in save for her together a child. Yet, she gotten in her young adulthood serving the poor and also homeless in Chicago with the Catholic Worker, and also later commanded three graduate professional degrees, every from Catholic institutions, in divinity (Catholic Theological Union), in social occupational (St. Louis University) and then law (DePaul University).

To pictured French philosopher Albert Camus, I believe Barbara want to only love she church and also still love justice. She did not want greatness for it, specifically one born of sex-related violence and falsehood. The only thing she wanted was to check out a church the was preserved alive if it would keep justice alive. Clearly, at the time of she death, that has still no been done. And it was no done because that her.

Unlike the church, i beg your pardon erects barriers and rituals come include and also exclude, Barbara and the movement she to be so crucial in founding, have actually no together lines the division. The only line of division is in between justice and also injustice. ‎Justice is miscellaneous altogether various from teams and also sides, political and also ecclesiastical winners and losers. Justice doesn"t have teams. That doesn"t take it the side of the exploited, the oppressed and also the dispossessed because justice is the exploited, the oppressed and the dispossessed.

Survivors space not a team. We space those without a team. Any kind of true social adjust in the church and society to prevent clerical sex-related abuse has to originate with us. Barbara knew that. This call was she burden and also her blessing. We space the component of the church that has actually no component in the church. We occupy the empty ar of the device of the church, the social and political an are where the law has been annulled, vacated or subverted. Us survivors, paradoxically, who represent no one, no faction and no particular interest are, unknown to ourselves, the yes, really church, which might be why the official one has never had a place for us and doesn"t know what to do with us.

In reality, what the cardinals, bishops and popes merely do not understand around survivors is that when presented through the an option between love for the church and love because that justice, we space going to select justice. Barbara"s long and also fierce opposition to them, as a survivor and also a woman, was constantly and just that. What she longed for, and never live to see, to be a day when that choice would no longer be necessary.

In the end, Barbara"s tradition is no what appears the most obvious, starting with survivors a movement that would shake the foundations of a global church, bending the heavens in the direction of the suffering it had actually hidden and forced underground. Rather, her tradition was the of a occasionally broken, imperfect, human being being, that reached earlier into her childhood and also took a tiny girl through the hand, happen her the end of the darkness. By sharing that child with the world, and exposing the agony of she soul, other kids could action forward and do the same.

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While the is simple to discover flaws and imperfections in any type of human being, genuine or imagined mistakes or missteps, just as the is to exaggerate the qualities we happen to choose or identify with, one truth cannot be denied Barbara Blaine: due to the fact that this person walked the earth, numerous have been freed of the shame and secrecy that bound them, and many who would have harmed rather did not.